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E-mails my friend Ericka has sent me about "Facts of Life"

On cousin Geri...
Geri on FOL makes me nervous. Like she is going to fall on the floor and convulse. I think that we all would have been better off if Blair would have decided that she could not reconcile her feelings about Geri's disability so that we wouldn't have to see Geri visit so often. She could just be Blair's fucked-up cousin that no one talks about and everyone thinks that Blair is shallow because of it. I would have bought it. It would have been more honest than this whole thing.

On George Clooney...
Do you think that George Clooney has the power to block the "Over Our Heads" episodes? Or will they air them and let the chips fall? Do you think that Michelle Pfeiffer ever turns on TNT and prays that they aren't showing the "Grease" two-fer?

Fashion commentary ...
These late FOL episodes are troubling me as well. The one where Blair's mom announces her late in life pregnancy was on the other day and all of the girls were in the store awaiting her arrival. From the way they were dressed, I was convinced that it must be early in the morning or late at night because they all looked like they were wearing their pajamas. But then when Blair's mom offered to take them to Peakskill's Armenian (?!) restaurant for dinner, they all got their coats and went out the door. I swear to God, Tootie had Home Hair [which is what I used to call it in college when I'd get home from class and tie my big, bushy, permed hair back from my face with a scarf] and Natalie had bed head and a plaid shirt that came down to her knees. All of their hair styles look ratty and not quite done. I had big '80s hair and I don't ever remember such flat and odd-looking hair. Also, I don't like the fact that Edna has her hair down. The loose bun was always oddly comforting.

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Natalie's outfit on FOL made me so uncomfortable yesterday that I had to turn the channel. I couldn't look. It was one of those oversized shirts that came down to her knees and then those pants that were somewhat tight around the ankles, but the top looked like they would fit my dad. I think they were called "elephant pants" back in the day. And to top it all off, both pieces were in this horrid print that made her look even bigger.

I remember people wearing these outfits. I remember wanting one of these outfits. I remember not getting one of these outfits because it would have cost $60. And there was no such thing as T.J. Maxx at the time. And my mom (Miss Payless Shoe Source---Miss I Can Make That For Less) would not buy one for me.

I'm going to write her a letter right now and thank her for not allowing me to wear such a travesty of fashion.

Also, why do they all have on clothes that are way too big for them? It makes them look huge. Even Jo. I've noticed Jo and Blair getting closer and closer as the seasons progress. I wonder if they ever considered making one of them gay. "On a Very Special 'Facts of Life'...they've lived together for years, but now the girls make the toughest decision of all...to really LIVE together..."

Poor Natalie...
Let me just say that I almost cried this morning when I tuned into the FOL Down Under when Natalie was in the desert (do they have those in Australia?) learning how to throw a boomerang from some sort of native type guy who was way too cute to be teaching Nat anything, when she ran to retrieve the boomerang (apparently they don't come all the way back to you when you are a fat American girl with all of your hair pulled back into a French braid leaving your extremely round and pale face to shine in the desert-?- sun) and she ran JUST LIKE I DO!! Arms down to the side-stiffly--head down and feet shuffling along. The big boobs bouncing is a nice side effect. And the self-conscious side glances at the guy who was cast to be the love interest, but you know is being made fun of by his acting friends for having to kiss Mindy Cohen were also a plus. I felt like I was in 8th grade running (shuffling, really) laps in gym near Derick Parisi--the true love of my young life. Him and Michael Jackson. And Dennis Suchomski. I really knew how to pick them.

And my all-time favorite...
I have to say that if FOL gets any worse, I am going to have to rethink my dedication to Asaad Kelada. I used to want to be him so that I could do away with those annoying soap-opera angles where the character who feels that she has been wronged walks to the front of the shot and looks off into space with a mixture of hurt, disgust and general angst while the character who has to make it up to the injured party has to talk to the back of the injured party's head. These scenes always involve a lot of flailing around with the camera to capture the yelling at the maker-upper and then flailing back to the clenched lips and flared nostrils of the wronged party. They were especially bad when Kim Fields was involved because there was also the open mouth (with those braces and later, the I-once-had-braces-and-I-am-still-afraid-to-close-my mouth-all-the-way-syndrome). And when Edna was cajoling her back (see the Jermaine Jackson episode, or Why Can't I Go To New York, Too? episode for specific examples) it was even worse--shrill Edna voice, flail the camera around to whiny Tootie, flail back--Edna's head shakes while Tootie's lower lip glistens with spit and quivers--fade to black. Asaad Kelada: genius?

If you enjoyed what you read here, please help me convince Ericka to start an online journal of her own. E-mail her at rik@parsley.org and I'll pass it on!