Dads

I think that last night's "Nanny 911" was the worst episode I've seen so far. Not that the kids were particularly bad, because they weren't. But the dad is the biggest, most gigantic asshat I've ever seen in my life. The short story is that he works from sun-up to sun-down, and refuses to help out around the house in the few hours he's at home. He has no idea how to play with them, and several times he was shown just walking away from them to talk on his cell phone, leaving them confused and alone. And when his wife asked for a five-minute break at the end of the day, he refused to give it to her. Because he didn't want to be alone with his kids. And when called on his behavior by the Nanny and by his wife (although barely, she was the biggest doormat I've ever seen) he said, "Well, I told you I was selfish. I'm not going to change."

OK, there, buttnut. "I'm not going to change" is NOT AN OPTION. Just because you think you're doing the best you can, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO DO BETTER. Oh my God, I have never been so infuriated by a person on TV as I was by this stupid, ignorant excuse for a man.

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I am proud of how Andy and I deal with Quinn. I think we're patient, and kind, and sensitive to her personality. I also think we're firm when needed, and reliable, and consistent. We say we're sorry when we're wrong, and we ask her to do the same. We pay her a lot of attention, but encourage her independence. We both have the exact same philosophies for raising her, so she is never going to be able to play us against one another.

It sounds cocky, but I think we're doing a really good job with her.

I didn't know how Andy would be as a father. I never thought about it too much. He's so incredible as a husband, though, that I don't think I worried too much. I appreciate how great he is with Quinn every day, and I tell him that.

Andy is absolutely as interested in every single detail of her day as I am, and he knows all of her friends, her teachers, and her interests, as varied from day to day as they are. He's been to her school as much as I have, he makes a point to talk to the parents of the other kids in her room, and he shows up at all of her events, happily, proudly.

They go on little excursions without me, and they have their shared secrets and rituals that I'm not a part of. When we say goodnight to her, he lingers in her bedroom longer than I do, talking about the day's Happy Things and listening to her music and just laughing and talking.

He is an amazing father to Quinn. She is lucky, and if she doesn't know it now, she will someday.

Andy's also a wonderful father to Quinn in that he senses when I need to be away from her. As great and as helpful as Andy is, I am her primary caregiver, and I keep track of her and feed her and dress her and keep her occupied for the better part of each day. So after dinner, he may see that I look a little frazzled and he'll take her to Home Depot or the library. Or he might announce on a Friday night that "tomorrow is going to be a Daddy and Quinny day!" and there is much cheering from both of us. Today, for example, I am still getting over the world's longest-lasting upper respiratory infection, so Andy took Quinn on his run to the Apple store with his friend Pete.

And he never resents me for it. He makes me feel good about taking time for myself. He wants me to work if that makes me happy (which it does, I miss my school), he wants me to freelance if that makes me happy, he wants me to go back to school if that makes me happy. He'll pick up the slack. He'll do whatever he can. He's fine.

He's just the best.

(And the implications of his behavior are, yes, far-reaching.)

So when I see this ASSHAT on "Nanny 911" who doesn't know his children, who doesn't see how tired and beaten-down his wife is, and who shrugs his shoulders when he hears that his family is falling apart, it makes me pissed. When Quinn's teacher tells me that she doesn't even know some of the dads of the kids in her classroom, that makes me angry.

But, I have to tell myself, people are good parents in different ways. Just because I like what Andy is doing for Quinn, it doesn't mean that dads who do less are necessarily worse. Maybe the dads who have never shown up at their kids' schools are extemely attentive at home. Maybe the dads who make their kids miss their swim lesson or who won't take them to a sports class because they refuse to take their kids out on their own are really involved in other ways. And it's OK. It really is. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for the next, and I accept that. Or, I'm working on accepting it. I don't need to get so angry at TV dads or other dads who have nothing to do with my family.

But. I am thankful every day that Andy is Quinn's dadder. And I think Quinn is, too.

Posted by Amy at September 09, 2006 12:53 PM