Ooooooprah!

Yesterday, I made my once-a-decade pilgrimage to the Oprah Winfrey show. I've been once before.

I was raised on "All My Children" by all the females in my family (and Dennis) (shutup, Dennis, you know it's true) and by the time I was in college, I was a full-blown addict. After watching Oprah one day (this was in 1995), I heard the announcement that if you were a fan of "All My Children" and in the Chicagoland area, you could call and get tickets to the taping of the twenty-fifth anniversary show. I pushed my dad out of the way to get to the phone in the kitchen, and had two tickets in my name five minutes later. There was some sort of a scuffle or perhaps leg-wrestling event at the next family gathering, and it was decided that my sister Peggy would accompany me.

(Oh my gosh, if you're a fan, click this. It's awesome!)

I wish you could have seen the ugly-ass ensemble I wore to this gala event. The cornerstone of the outfit, the item around which everything else was planned, was a red plaid wool skirt in a really unflattering length: too long to be naughty and schoolgirl-like; too short to be LL Bean-like. Nondescript black sweater. And this is where I really fell apart: a RED TURTLENECK. I mean, really. I was 25. I had attended college. I had it goin' on, if even a little bit. I knew what was up. A red turtleneck?!? I have no excuse. Oh wait, yes I do. I think Peggy had told me I needed some color near my face "for the camera." Oh my God. Anyway. Black tights and safe, sturdy flats to walk the city in.

Then we get to my hair. A shiny black bob. Again, in an unflattering length. No volume, framing my already round face. And to top off this outfit? The one that began with a red plaid wool skirt, a plaid wool skirt with a BIG GOLD SAFETY PIN IN IT for decoration? A red headband. Maybe this could have been cute on someone else. On me, no. It looked like I just set it on my head. I didn't help it help my hair. I didn't fluff or style around it. I didn't work with it. I just set it on my head and let it sit there.

Pale face with little makeup save some dark red lipstick on my tiny, thin lips finish off the outfit.

Do you know why I remember this so well? Because I have it on tape. I have it on tape because you COULD NOT MISS ME during the show.

They had microphones set up throughout the audience, and if you wanted to ask one of the cast members a question, you could stand in line at one of the mikes.

I obviously didn't understand how frumpy I looked, because I jumped up like a shot and hurried into the line next to our seats as soon as the call went out. I didn't even have a question, really...I just wanted to talk to one of them. I'd figure something out when it was my turn in the spotlight.

I was second in line when the show started. My moment in the sun occurred when the woman in front of me asked her question. Here is a loose transcript, since we can't figure out how to get this video onto this web site:

Woman in front of me is front and center in the shot.

"I've been watching "All My Children" since the day the show started," she begins.

Cut to Susan Lucci saying, "Thank you so much!" in her sweet Susan Lucci way.

Cut back to this woman, who now appears to have grown a second head...a second head wearing a shiny black bob with a red headband and a big moon face! The second head grins creepily, bobbing in and out of the shot, as she continues.

"...And I remember that Joey Martin [I think that's who she said] was born at the same time as my youngest son..."

Cut to Walt Willey, who made some joke about something stupid, as he is known to do.

Cut back to the woman, who is back to having only one head as she continues.

"And the funny thing is,..."

SUDDENLY, THE SECOND HEAD IS BACK! It slowly rears itself and is now gazing smugly into the camera as the woman continues,

"...he's only 14 while Joey Martin is 18 on the show!"

Cut to the cast and Oprah laughing appreciatively and Walt Willey making another comment.

Cut back to the woman and her second head, who are both laughing a little too hard. The second head stays in place, peeking over her shoulder, until the moment is over and Oprah calls on someone else.

For the rest of the show, Oprah would continue to call on audience members to ask questions, and even though I was the next in line in my section, and I stood at the microphone waiting patiently, she never called on me. I waited there for about 50 minutes and watched person after person get called on, but there was no love for the girl in the wool skirt. The girl with the color next to her face. The girl in the sensible shoes. The twenty-five-year-old in the red turtleneck.

Actually, I should have thanked Oprah for that when I saw her yesterday. Because after the "All My Children" show aired, I got SO MANY comments from people I knew, people I kind of knew, and people I didn't know but must have been familiar to, all of whom said, "I TOTALLY SAW YOU ON OPRAH! WHAT WERE YOU WEARING IN YOUR HAIR?" God knows what would have happened if America had seen my skirt.

So yeah, yesterday Colleen and I went to see Melissa Etheridge on Oprah because I've discovered this awesome little spot where she advertises last-minute tickets for upcoming shows. For about half an hour one night last week, there was a notice up there that read, "Are you a huge fan of Melissa Etheridge?" I sent the following:

My friend Colleen and I were probably the first two people in America to buy her debut cassette. Yes, I said cassette. It was 1988, and we were on Spring Break in Florida. We heard “Similar Features” on the radio and immediately found a record store and bought it. That began our seventeen-year obsession with “Mellie,” as we like to call her. We listened to her as we got ready for class, we have video of us singing to her albums at parties, and we made mix tapes of only the sad songs to listen to when boys were treating us poorly. We saw her on the "Tonight Show," and when she said she’d never had a boyfriend we said, “Huh, we wonder why not? She’s certainly very pretty!” :-)

It went on from there, drooling and begging and pleading for tickets, and it worked! Angela from the Audience Department called me the next day and we were in.

Mellie was only a small segment of the show, though, much to our disappointment. But she sang a new song, and then a few oldies during the after-the-show taping.

I wasn't taking any chances with this taping, though. I had Danny come over and do my hair at 7:30 that morning. The theme was NO RED HEADBANDS.

Posted by Amy at September 14, 2005 09:46 PM