December 31, 1999

I'm a believer in karma, I guess you could call it. I was seven years old, walking up our driveway and watching a neighbor across the street. I forget what she was doing--mowing the lawn, checking the mail, unloading groceries--but I remember what I was thinking about her. Jeez, is she FAT. Oh man! Ugly! Those shorts are SO GROSS. God, I hope I never... SMACK! I was so busy watching my neighbor that I walked into the brick wall instead of the open garage door. The meaning of the moment wasn't lost; I immediately felt waves of shame wash over me for being so catty about my neighbor. I knew my head bump was punishment for being so cruel, even if it was only to myself. I spent a lot of time using my sense of humor to poke fun at others. Especially behind their backs. I don't mean when I was seven, either--I mean recently. But I don't want to make fun of people any more. You'd think that someone as tortured as I was in junior high would be the last to make fun of people for something as shallow as their appearance, but I did. Even if it wasn't out loud, I did it in my head. And I'm really kind of ashamed. I'm not proud of my ability to notice the most obvious flaw about someone, and to make fun of it in order to get a laugh. Besides being low-class, how un-funny...what a cheap way to get laughs. If I can't make people laugh by saying something genuinely funny, then I don't want to say anything. Although I started to work at this some time ago, I think my New Year's Resolution will be to not always look for the faults in people. To not lampoon what is most immediately funny. To not find humor in cruelty. I know it's not going to be easy...especially since I've spent my whole life making fun of other people. I don't have a lot of time to get into this right now, as my New Year's celebration will begin in only 31 minutes, but I just want to say for the record, for myself, that I want to be a more positive and a less shallow person. Because I really believe in karma. What goes around comes around, baby. Where will you find yourself when the whip cracks? Wanna be notified when I update? Send mail and thou shalt receive!