July 13, 1999
It's July, and here at Parsley that means recollections of Sidewalk Sales gone by.
For those of you too weary to check the link, I will recap the purpose of Sidewalk Sales here:
Sidewalk Sales is the pinnacle event in McHenry's two-week extravaganza of summer goodness--Fiesta Days. Allegedly, people leave their homes for Sidewalk Sales to shop all the bargains around town, but no one I know does that, not even my friend's moms. The reason most people in McHenry go out during Sidewalk Sales is for quarter beers.
On the last Saturday during Fiesta Days, Riverside Drive is closed for most of the day, and right there at the corner of Riverside Drive and Route 120, Foxhole Pizza sells plastic cups of beer for a quarter. Now, the surrounding area is ripe with bars, and there are plenty of deals going on all over town, what with everyone in an uproar over Fiesta Days and all. But most of the revelers cram themselves as close to the Foxhole and the quarter beer stand as they can get. In fact, the moment that you catch sight of the activity on the south end of Riverside Drive, your heart is sure to leap...from anticipation or horror, depending on how you feel about quarter beers and a lot of moist McHenryians.
Anyhow. One year I was hanging out with Joe, and we had been enjoying tasty plastic cups of beer for some time. Suddenly, Joe hadda go.
Like many members of his family, Joe is cursed with what is politely referred to as a "bad stomach". If he decides it's time to go...well, then baybee, it is time to go!
There are no readily available bathrooms on Riverside Drive, except for the potties in the local bars, which put Joe in a pickle as he felt loathe to empty his bowels publicly during the most prominent event a McHenry boy could attend.
Working together, we formulated a plan in which we would walk about a half a mile down Riverside to the Conway home, which was always left open during Fiesta Days. There Joe could enjoy some privacy and I could use the Conways phone to place long-distance calls, as I did every year during Sidewalk Sales.
We headed out, got past the sub shop, past the barriers that prevented Sidewalk Salers from being mowed down by pesky traffic, and...Joe gave me a panicky look.
"Amy."
"No."
"I have to." We both looked up at the last bar we would pass on Riverside Drive before reaching the Conway home, some houses down.
The Town Club.
Located on the corner of Riverside Drive, the Town Club welcomes one and all with a large awning that proclaims, "TABLES FOR LADIES!" Once inside, you will find most of the ladies up at the bar, smoking and raising Schlitz bottles to their toothless mouths while old men smoke generic cigarettes and snack on hot cashews.
The last time I was in the Town Club was for Colleen's bachelorette party, during which we visited every drinking establishment in McHenry on a bar walk. We were quite a hit among the older men, and some of the revelers who had attended the town's public junior high school even recognized Bill, their janitor.
Colleen plus friend at the Town Club.
Joe made no effort to find a table for his lady as he bolted for the john and
left me standing alone among the bar's patrons, who were clearly disgruntled at the foreign clientele Sidewalk
Sales had attracted to their bathrooms. I stood watching the news on the bar's TV, which I found was a rather surreal
activity to partake in after an afternoon of drinking quarter beers from small plastic cups.
Soon enough, Joe emerged and related to me the following information which I share now with you:
Joe entered the men's bathroom and found, to his horror, that the only toilet was in a stall with no door. There
were a steady stream of customers traveling in and out of the bathroom, but there didn't seem to be anyone who
Joe knew. He felt as if he had no choice but to make use of the doorless stall.
Sitting upon his seat, Joe was horrified to look up and see...someone he knew. I'm a little fuzzy on who, exactly,
it was that he saw, but it was someone bad. Like a friend of his mom's. Or maybe a former boss.
Joe looked up from his seat...a seat definitely not for ladies...and spoke to his visitor.
"I just want you to know," he said, "that this is the lowest moment of my entire life."
