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January 26, 2003

I have been hemming and hawing about writing about this, but ... I feel like I have to. If I were to just ignore it, it would be like denying it ever happened. And I don't want to forget.

On January 4, I had a positive pregnancy test. Andy and I were elated, if not a little surprised...we had just started trying again, and didn't expect to be successful so soon.

We started calling it Ziggy the Zygote, and he (for lack of a better pronoun) was an immediate part of our family. Where would Ziggy sleep? What had I fed Ziggy during the day? Quinn would be a good big sister to Ziggy, wouldn't she? (Yes, of course she would.) How was Ziggy making me feel? (Sick!) How big was Zig today? (Not very!)

My Gymboree friend Amy found out she was pregnant, too, and we were planning on taking prenatal water aerobics classes together. Starting on Tuesday. This Tuesday.

I was settling into another pregnancy, Andy was getting used to the idea that it doesn't necessarily have to take a bunch of tries to make a baby, and we were excited about the new member of our family. We told family and close friends. We had a due date. I ate lots of salad for Ziggy, and drank less caffeine.

But there was a problem. There was minor spotting, a "why-don't-you-just-come-on-in" visit to the doctor, an ultrasound that didn't detect the presence of a fetus...even though I was 6 weeks along. There were blood tests, then follow-up blood tests, tests that looked for the levels of the pregnancy hormone in my blood. And everything pointed to one result.

There was no Ziggy. Not anymore. I had what is called a "non-viable" pregnancy, and this weekend I miscarried.

There is no Ziggy. Not anymore.

I am numb and fuzzy from spending the weekend in bed. Andy took care of Quinn until this afternoon, when my sister Julie took her to my mom's for the day so that Andy could catch up on work. I know I am blessed to have a healthy baby bunny who has made our life happier and bubblier than we could have ever imagined.

I still mourn the loss of the baby who could have been an accompaniment to that happiness. Who could have added yet another dimension of bubbliness to our lives.

Tomorrow is Monday, and it's back to work, back to routine.

I'm just a little off, though. For some time, I'll be a little off.