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April 23, 2002

We haven't even left yet and already my mom is out of control.

I went over to her house last night with my little guide to New York City and a map so that we could pick out a few things to do while in town for 2 days.

"I don't know why you spent money on that book!" she said crossly. "We're only going to be there two days!"

When our conversation began rolling and I kept referring to different sections of the book, she began to eye it hungrily. I finally passed it over to her with nary a "told you so!" Unfortunately, my patience was short-lived.

"Peggy said we should take a bus tour," she said.

I showed her the pages in the guide that discussed the different bus tours available, and we picked one out and I wrote it down in my notebook. Then we moved on. I mean, I moved on.

My mom studied the book for a long while.

"Do you want to go shopping?" I prompted her.

"No. I can go shopping anywhere."

"Do you care about museums?"

"No. I don't want to do museums."

"Do you want to see St. Patrick's Cathedral?"

"No. I've seen cathedrals all over Italy and Paris...I don't need to see another one."

"Well, then, what do you want to do? Sit in the hotel room and watch TV?"

She continued to study the guidebook.

"What I think would be best..." she finally stated, tearing her gaze away from the book, "would be if we took a bus tour."

"I know that mom," I said through clenched teeth, "which is why the only thing on my list to do so far is 'bus tour.'"

"OK, OK, she said, returning to the book.

A few minutes passed. She didn't look up, but spoke.

"It's just that if we took a bus tour..."

"OH MY GOD." I said. "If you say the words 'bus tour' one more time, we're splitting up as soon as we hit the airport! We are TAKING a damn BUS TOUR! What else do you want to do??"

She looked wounded. "I'd like to see the Statue of Liberty, I guess."

"Fine." I consulted the map. "You know, we'd have to take a ferry over to it."

"What?" she asked with a puzzled expression. "No we wouldn't. Meg Ryan took a cab there."

"Oh my God. What are you talking about?"

"In Sleepless in Seattle Meg Ryan took a cab over to the Statue of Liberty! On Valentine's Day!"

"Mom, the Statue of Liberty is in THE WATER. You'd have to climb up a million steps to get to her head!"

"But Meg Ryan took an elevator to the top!"

"Mom! The elevator doesn't go to the TOP, it goes to the PLATFORM!" I said, pointing at the guidebook. "Then you have to climb STEPS! And when you get to her head, you can look out over the WATER!"

"But don't you remember Debra Kerr standing in front of the Statue of Liberty, looking up at it, when she got hit by the car? In An Affair to Remember? She was standing on the street!"

"No! I never saw that movie."

"WHAT?" She gave me a withering look. "It's about..."

"Please," I begged. "Please no plot synopsis. I'm writing down the Statue of Liberty, and we'll take that magical floating cab that Meg Ryan pioneered and you can take her elevator to the top, too. Now how about the Empire State Building?"

My mom paused, then looked puzzled.

"Isn't that what we were talking about?"

"NO. We were talking about the Statue of Liberty!"

"Oh! I meant the Empire State Building!"

"OH MY GOD."

"I don't want to go to the Statue of Liberty!" she said, just slightly disgusted at the notion that I might try to take her there. "You have to get on a boat to get there!"

"No SHIT, Mom!"

"Well, I'm not getting on any boat," she grunted.

Shortly after this exchange, I left. With my guidebook. And my list of places to visit.

1. Bus tour
2. Statue of Liberty Empire State Building

We're leaving tomorrow morning at 5:45 a.m.

Please. Pray for us both.