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My friend Ericka is going to have a baby in April (a girl, a Keegan) and I just sent her this e-mail.

Dear Ericka,

I'm looking at your Target registry, and I need to make a few notes.

The first item...PAMPERS 60 CT BIG WIPE TUB. Mmmm hmmm. And it's under "Beauty Aids."

CAPRI MED STONE DENIM...I don't know, I guess these are capri jeans for Keeglet, but stonewashed? Are you going to drop her off at the McHenry Movie Theatre and assume she's watching a Michael J. Fox film while she's really calling high school seniors to find her some booze? Will she wear big earrings from Claire's? And slouch socks? With LA Gear shoes? Just wondering.

Many bodysuits. Many. Please explain why you'd put her in something you wouldn't wear.

And then please explain BATH DUCK WHITE-HOT BATH DUCKY. In writing.

With you and Eric at her side, will she really need PACK N PLAY SAFARI 3 WAY W/ PARENT? Isn't that asking for a little much?

BOPPY PILLOW SUPPORT PILLOW: I see you snuck some things for yourself in here.

This sounds like good fun: BATH TOY SCOOP/POUR/SQUIRT FISH. What, exactly, do you anticipate her "scooping" with her bath toy?

DIAPER PAIL SAFETY 1ST ODORLESS. Come on now. Who are you kidding?

A word on your quantities:

You only registered for 24 hangers. You do realize that this is your daughter. Katie's niece. TODDER's granddaughter. OK. Just checking.

Only 2 juice cups? And 3 bottles? But 6 bath toys? Mmmm hmmmm.

Wait a minute, wait a minute...I must have missed this...JOG INSTEP JOGGING STROLLER..who are you trying to kid? How about an AMBLING STROLLER or a LEISURELY PACE STROLLER? I don't think I've ever seen you run in my life. Not that you've seen me run, either...but I can do Running Man!

STARTER SET PLAYTEX VENTAIRE. I don't know what this is, but it sounds dirty.

CUPS TRAINER CUPS. Ericka! She's not even BORN yet! Give her a chance!

PLUSH PLUSH W/ BUNNY FEET. Can you describe the bunny feet? But before that, can you describe the PLUSH PLUSH?

CHER LAY U W/SOCKS. How crass.

Love & Friends,

Amy

Get well soon, Rik-o-Shay.